


Love Potion Number Nine

by SerenitysSwirl



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Gen, Goddamn motherfucking meddlesome clowns, Mind controlling potions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:56:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerenitysSwirl/pseuds/SerenitysSwirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Jane Crocker and you’ve entered the game with Jake and Dirk’s relationship imminent. You’ve got bottles upon bottles of odd liquids, but the olive one catches your eye. This could be your last-ditch effort to win Jake over and darn the omniscient reader who thinks you haven’t the gall to try!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Potion Number Nine

**Author's Note:**

> Just a side note: This is what I think happened when Jane tried out the potion on Jake, so obviously this isn't JakeJane. I just wanted to do some writing practice for one of the Unwritten Mysteries in Homestuck that Never Shall be Explained.

Your name is Jane Crocker and you have the feeling that this introduction is a bit redundant. Nonetheless, it is your name, so you suppose it doesn’t harm anyone to get it out of the way. 

Not long ago, you and your friends were transported into this odd realm and went your separate ways. That isn’t to say you don’t meet up on occasion. In fact, you’ve had many thrilling escapades with one Roxy Lalonde which involved anything from exploring planets to the playful pillow fight! Sometimes you’ll even join sides with Dirk and go gallivanting across LOCAH (him deeming LOTAK too dangerous for such activities) and go sleuthing for clues that you aren’t even sure exist. Either way, it’s nice to spend this time with your closest friends. Well, most of them.

The comrade you have been avoiding would be the impeccable Jake English. You’re not sure you will ever be able to be within the same vicinity of him without wanting to either spout your affections on the spot or thump him on that thick noggin of his. Considering how well your last attempt at a confession went, you would be much better off doing the latter for he’d brush it off as some sort of new game. Oh, why must that boy be so oblivious? You are getting yourself worked up just thinking about it. Now seems like a good time to contact someone who never fails to cheer you up.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  
GG: Roxy? Ro-Lal?  
GG: Are you there?  
TG: oh heey janey  
TG: sry I was talalking with di-stri over here  
GG: Oh, well I didn’t mean to interrupt!  
TG: aw no sokay jane  
TG: alwaves got time for my bbffsy  
GG: Thank you R—wait, have you been drinking?  
TG: yesh but its only cause dirk has ben on my ass bout it  
TG: whitch streses me out  
TG: wich makes me dirk  
TG: ha imean drink  
GG: Roxy I thought you promised to stop!  
TG: i will i swear one my ded kittys grave!  
TG: jus not rn  
TG: so what did you wanteded to talk abot?  
GG: Oh, well it has to do with the Jake problem.  
TG: the jake prob?  
GG: Yes.  
TG: i didnt even kno that it was stilll a problem?  
TG: like arent we all ovr that?  
TG: jus all of the sudden realise we aint gettin none of that hott bod?  
GG: Sadly, no. I just can’t seem to shake him yet!  
GG: I don’t know if I need some sort of closure or what, but it has been eating at my brain all day.  
GG: I was wondering if I could join you on LOPAN to get my mind off of it?  
TG: dammit jane you shoulda sayd somethin earyliyr  
TG: *earlier fuck  
GG: Why? Do you have something else planned?  
TG: yea dirky needs 2 talk 2 me or some shit  
TG: sounded moi imports  
GG: That sentence doesn’t even grammatically make sense!  
TG: didnt stop you fram knoing what i meant  
TG: ;) *winl*  
TG: lmfao  
TG: *wink  
GG: *Sigh* 8/  
TG: lol whats that??  
GG: They’re my glasses! B)  
TG: mog janey i luv you  
TG: maibe try :B  
GG: Are you insulting my teeth?!  
TG: shuosh j-girl you kno im kiding  
GG: Yes I know, I was just joking.  
TG: :o  
TG: wait werent we talking aboot somethin improtent?  
GG: Oh yes, what do you think I should do about the Jake thing?  
TG: idk gurl just go talk to him  
TG: he aint some kinda complex puxxle  
TG: *puzzle  
GG: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I was thinking…  
TG: yeah???  
GG: Oh phooey, never mind it!  
TG: come ooooooon don leave me hangin like that  
GG: No, no, I’ll deal with it myself.  
GG: Good luck with Dirk!  
TG: woa woa wait  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

You stare down at the pink and blue text as your stomach churns. You did have an idea, but it was extremely risky. It would tamper with someone’s own free will! Surely your conscience wouldn’t be able to carry that burden, would it?

You were currently pacing around your room, thinking long and hard. That odd purple guide had sold you those potions for a reason…But no! You are a horrible, horrible person, you could _never_ …Your eyes skim across the pile of bottles that you had discarded in the corner. Actually, you’re not really sure why you kept all of them, because you’ve never considered using any but one.

Gulping, you lean down and scoop up a vial. The olive liquid swirls thickly inside. The smell was so strong when you pulled out the stopper that you could practically taste the earthy, coppery residue. It reminded you of thick forests, heavy rainfall, and pea soup all in one. And of course there was the lingering stench of blood. That was enough to make you hesitate, but you tuck the bottle into your sylladex and plop down on your bed.

Maybe you should contact someone else? Someone a bit closer to Jake? But no, that would be such an awkward conversation but you’re running short on ideas and you’re already pulling up Pesterchum.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
GG: Dirk I need to ask you something.  
TT: Sup Jane.  
TT: I’m a little preoccupied at the moment, can I take a message?  
GG: Oh shucks, I should’ve known!  
GG: If you’re running short on time, I suppose I can make the question simpler.  
TT: Shoot. The gun is in your hands and I am the figurative dummy.  
TT: Okay, maybe sometimes literal. But hey, nobody’s perfect.  
TT: So just correct your stance and pull that trigger, I’m all up and ready to be shot through with your question bullets.  
GG: Dirk, you’ve lost me.  
TT: Shit sorry, kind of got distracted there.  
TT: Anyway, what’s your question?  
GG: How do you talk to someone you fancy without spewing out every feeling that comes to mind?  
TT: Jane, are you coming on to me?  
GG: Oh goodness no!  
GG: Oh I’m sorry maybe I shouldn’t have been so hasty to protest I’m sure that you would be a lovely partner but—  
TT: Haha relax Jane, I was kidding.  
TT: I’m glad to know you don’t find me repulsive.  
GG: You really had me going there!  
TT: Yeah, and about your question.  
TT: Shit, well I think we’ve all been beating around the metaphorical bush here.  
GG: Really?  
TT: Yes, and I think you know what and who I’m talking about.  
GG: Oh, I…  
GG: Hahahaha oh Dirk I’ve no idea what you’re saying anymore!  
TT: Jane.  
GG: I think you might be jumping to conclusions! I was simply asking for, um, a friend!  
TT: Jane you only have two friends besides me; I know what this is about.  
GG: Well, I must be going!  
TT: Jane listen to me, I don’t want you to get hurt.  
GG: Mhm! Well, buh-bye now!  
TT: Jane!  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering timaeusTestified [TT]

Oh no oh god oh dear oh _fuck_

You should not have done that at all. Why did you even think that was a good idea?? Of course it was a bad idea what were you THINKING?

Well now you’ve come to the conclusion that if Dirk didn’t know you liked Jake then he certainly does now! More messages begin to flood you, but you decide to ignore them. All you have to do now is curl up in your bed and accept your fate.

Unless…No! _You could not possibly drug your friend into loving you are you INSANE???_ But it _is_ the only option you have left. And the potion is practically burning a hole in your sylladex. And you’re sure that you could conceal the taste with a particularly strong batch of coffee.

You actually have no idea if Jake drinks coffee. Either way, you might as well try it out. Oh you could already envision yourself burning in the fiery pits of the underworld for this deed, but for some reason you just had to do this. Maybe it was the desperation talking. 

You hardly think you had a fighting chance with Jake without this potion. The differences between Dirk and yourself could fill several books and you couldn’t even hope to come out on top. And considering your royal failure at your first try, did you even deserve to couple with Jake? Plus, you could hardly imagine hurting not only one, but two of your closest friends…

Oh screw the whole thing, you’re doing it! Throwing caution to the wind and inviting Jake over for a drink. If this came back to bite you in the rear, then so be it!

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
GG: Jake, I have a proposition for you!  
GT: Why hello there Jane!  
GT: And might I inquire as to what you are proposing?  
GG: Would you like to come over for a drink?  
GT: Crikey! I wouldnt suspect you of all people to tamper with alcoholics.  
GG: NO! I mean, not that kind of drink.  
GG: Maybe some tea or coffee?  
GT: Hm well ive nothing in the ol schedule for today so mark me up as raring to go!  
GT: *Tugs nervously at lapel*  
GT: I actually want to speak with you about something jane so this should be the perfect time to gab on about our lives!  
GG: Oh really? Well I guess I’ll see you later today then?  
GT: Positively absolutely! See you then!  
GG: Bye Jake.  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering golgothasTerror [GT]

Something about that wanting “to speak with you” makes you uneasy. Despite this, you slip off your bed to the doorway. Walking down the hall, you turn to the stairs, making your way to the kitchen.

You…have no idea how to make coffee. You do, however, know how to go about making tea. In this case, you might have to sacrifice Jake tasting part of the potion in favor of making something he’ll actually drink. There’s no point in scrounging up some disgusting coffee if he’s just going to leave it sitting there the whole time.

You put a pan of water on the stove before captchaloguing a small end table and setting it outside and across the bridge leading to your house. You preferred having a more outdoorsy setting. After setting up two chairs across from each other, you take the boiling water off of the stove and throw in the tea bags.

“Hiya, Crocker!”

You jump and turn to find Jake, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Collecting yourself as he chuckles, you sputter, “Shucks buster, you scared me!”

“My apologies, Jane!” Jake says, entering the room, “And is that tea? I’ve had quite the hankering for a spot of tea, how did you know? I see we have an expert detective on our hands!”

Despite the startle, you chuckle slightly. “You don’t really seem like the coffee sort of person, I’d say! You’ve too much energy already.”

“Ha ha! I suppose you’re right there!” replies Jake, knocking you a little on the elbow as you reach for some cups in an overhead cabinet, “Although you say that like it’s a bad thing!”

You realize, belatedly, that you could not add that…concoction with Jake standing right there over your shoulder. “Oh, I didn’t mean a thing by it!” you say, voice nervous. It seemed that Jake either ignored your tone or didn’t pick up on it at all, thankfully. “Jake, uh, I’ve set up a table out there across the bridge; I can manage in here by myself. It shouldn’t take me very long at all!”

Jake looks a little confused by this, or maybe he was starting to detect the hint of urgency you were giving out. “My, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you! But if you truly insist…”

“YES!” you near shout, guiding Jake to the kitchen door, “It will only take me a moment to dish out the tea; go and have a seat!”

A laugh bubbles up and out of Jake’s mouth as he stumbles into the living room. “Well, you sure are eager,” he says, taking a mock thinking stance and rubbing a hand on his chin, “Say, this wouldn’t be a Crocker Secret Recipe, would it?”

That’s one way to put it.

You force a grin, pointing at him and squinting. “Ah ha! You’ve caught me in the act, English! But really, go outside and enjoy the fresh air. Well, as fresh as a land with air full of helium can be!”

“Rightio!” Jake exclaims, giving you his (surely patented by now) double pistols and a wink. It was then that your heart sighs. Ah, yes. This. This was the whole reason you were in this predicament. You’re not sure that you would wish the situation different. Okay, maybe you would wish it a little bit different, but that is no matter. You have a man to snag. That came out more selfish than you intended.

You watch as he leaves, making sure he makes no movement to turn and come back. With a sigh, you divvy out the tea into two mugs, one a deep blue and the other bright green. And then it was time for the part you felt more hesitant about.

Reaching into your sylladex, you pull out the glass bottle and study it a little. Well, here goes nothing! Popping out the cork, you hover the lip of the vial over the green cup. Now, how much supposed “love potion” would one put in a drink to make it effective? You figure that Jake would be the type of person to really pile up on the cream and sugar, so you add in the vile looking mixture generously. Well now the tea looked more green than brown! It was…green tea. Yes you would just say it’s green tea. A Crocker Secret Recipe for green tea. Actually, you had to admit that it looked quite disgusting.

You take out a serving tray from underneath the counter and set the mugs on top. Lastly, you grab the dish of sugar and two small spoons before exiting the kitchen.

You make an attempt at keeping a slow pace as to not spill any tea, but your anxiousness makes your feet move faster. Fortunately, you are able to cross the bridge and get to the other side where Jake was waiting, squirming in his seat. That boy really could not sit still at all! Of course, you had left him waiting for a while.

Setting the tray on the table with a nervous smile, you take the seat across from Jake. He beams back at you, saying, “Thank you, Jane! It was mighty fine of you setting up this little date of ours!”

Your face reddens at the mention of a “date”, but you take it in stride. “Oh it was really no problem at all! I just thought that it would be nice to sit down with you and catch up.”

Jake hums at this in agreement. “Yes, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Actually…there’s something that has happened since we’ve last spoken. Although, maybe right now isn’t the appropriate time.”

You shake your head vigorously, scooping up some sugar with a spoon. “It’s fine! After all, this meeting was to catch up, correct? How about you have some tea first.”

Raising his eyebrows, Jake stops your hand from dumping any of the sugar into his cup. Realizing the abruptness of it, he chuckles bashfully. “Sorry Jane didn’t mean to startle. I actually prefer my tea without sugar, is all!”

You gulp, lowering the spoon. Drat, now he really _would_ notice the odd flavor. Pushing a grin onto your face, you say, “Of course! I guess I just was hoping you were a sugar sort of guy…” You shift in your seat, growing distressed. “Perhaps you fancy milk sometimes? Or maybe all of the time! Goshdarnit, maybe you’re hankering for milk right now! Or…I don’t think that you’d want honey would you? That seems a little out there, I know, but there could have been a time where honey would have been on your doorstep in a snap but decided that it would be better to back off a little to give you a chance to try out some sugar and—”

“Jane, you’ve utterly lost me.”

Throughout your outburst, your voice had become higher pitched and shrill without you noticing. Jake was leaning back in his seat, looking a dash surprised and very confused. 

Coughing awkwardly, you look away, wondering if Jake caught that thinly-veiled question of where his affections lied. “Oh? Ha, that was nothing, just banter, really! Anywho, have some tea, I insist!”

Jake gives you an odd look, but he nonetheless reaches for his mug. You watch just a little too closely as he brings it to his lips. So much so, that he begins to seem uncomfortable. But you don’t care! You want to see if that traveling freak show’s brew could actually work!

Jake’s Adams apple bobs as he takes a sip. Pulling the cup away, he smacks his lips together and eyes the liquid. “Interesting flavor! Tastes like nature and wildlife, really.”

You sigh in relief. Well at least he didn’t pick up on anything…out of the ordinary. You say, “Talented tongue you’ve got there!”

“Would you like a taste?”

You freeze, heart pounding loud in your ears. Did he? Did he just? Judging by the look on his face, yes, he just said that. “Of the tea, I mean,” Jake says, “You haven’t touched your cup, I’m afraid!” It could also be seen that he was desperately trying to ignore any possible suggestions that he had unintentionally voiced.

So…was that it? Did the potion really not work at all? You meet Jake’s eyes, but he looked at you the same way he always did. Your face drops and you take a sip of your tea to cover it. Looks like your luck has just run out. There would be no Jake and you, you and Jake. It was kind of a letdown.

“Right! Well,” Jake says, composing himself once more, “There was something I thought I should mention—um, are you alright?”

You’d been staring silently down at your cup when he asks this. Your eyes snap up and you can barely muster a small smile. “Yes, I’m alright. What is it, Jake?”

Jake pauses, studying you before saying, “I just wanted to talk about…something. A thing that has transpired. At first I thought myself in one doosy of a pickle, but after a while I’ve come to terms with the idea.” He scratches at his neck, nibbles at his lip, eyes never meeting you. Oh no. Oh no this couldn’t be it. Not now of all times! You think back to your conversation with Dirk. You dolt! Why hadn’t you heeded his words?

With a sigh, you rest your hand on top of Jake’s. After all, he was your friend first. You try not to make your smile too melancholy when you ask, “What is it?”

“I, um, Strider and I, that is, we’re. Kind of. Dating? Dating, yes.”

And there it was. The words that you’ve secretly been dreading since you’ve entered the game. Before that, even! But you can’t say that you’re surprised.

“That’s…” you breathe, “that’s wonderful news, Jake. I’m really _really_ happy for the two of you.” Your hand did not just clench on Jake’s what are you talking about you’re trying to be _supportive dammit_.

Jake looks relieved and leans back in his chair, shoulders slack. “Really? That means a lot, Jane. I wasn’t really sure how you would take it, honestly!”

You give him a curious look, but don’t bother asking him what he meant by that.

Jake lifts his cup. “A toast, perhaps? To friendship?”

You snort at the corniness of his suggestion, but reach for your own cup anyhow. “To friendship and love,” you say, clinking your mug against his. You both simultaneously take sips.

Resting his cup on the table, Jake glances off into the distance with an odd look on his face. You can’t help but ask, “What are you thinking about, English?”

A small smile fills his face. “Oh, nothing really. Just that maybe I preferred milk more than I originally thought.”

Now WHY did he have to go and say THAT? You lean back in your own seat, frowning. “I once thought I liked…uh, cinnamon! Cinnamon in my tea. But now I guess I’ve just grown out of it.”

Jake turns to you, suddenly. “Well, why would you put cinnamon in your tea? Seems a tad odd, doesn’t it?”

Your face flushes red with frustration and you nearly _do_ thump him on that thick noggin of his. Instead, you shake your head, a laugh bursting out of you. “Yes, yes it does, Jake.”

In that moment, you felt content.

But as soon as you can, you’re going to track down that clown and demand a refund.


End file.
